- A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
- Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?My name is Paul.
- What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
- “Mom, where do tampons go?””Where the babies come from, darling.””In the stork?”
- Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”
- “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
- A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“
- Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.
- A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
- Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
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